Hippies and Emos: The Wheel of Stupidity Continues To Turn

I am far from perfect. I make a lot of mistakes. Just ask my wife, or my mom, or my friends, or my employers. But despite my many, many, many shortcomings, I am not a complete failure-- at least not like this:


Where to start? The hairdo? The piercings? The fact that I can't tell if this thing is a boy or a girl? Honestly, there are so many things wrong with this picture that it's overwhelming to a simple mind like my own. Although I have a difficult time organizing my thoughts and articulating my disgust of the fact that there are so many people like this, I do understand why I was lucky enough to not end up in a similar situation and I by my experience I know how you can keep this from happening to your own children.

First off, in order to solve any problem, we need to understand the source of the problem:


That's right. It's your fault, Hippies. And in more ways than one.

Now you may be asking yourself, "But Professor Brandon, how did life loving, color worshiping hippies beget death obsessed, monochromatic emo kids?"

First, Dear Reader, stop calling me Professor. The last thing my already bloated ego needs is the use of such exalted titles to describe my vast intelligence.

Now, allow me to show you the connections between the emo kids and their hippie forerunners. The main connection is that both groups are notorious complainers. Hippies are well-known for their near incessant complaining. They hated war, so they complained about it. They hated getting mace sprayed in their eyes every time they had an illegal protest, so they complained about it (they should have filed for the necessary permits). "Squares" were too intelligent to understand the hippie movement, so they complained about it. Hippie women hated bras, so they complained about them and burned them.

Emo kids, on a similar note, hate getting made fun of everywhere they go, so they complain about it. They claim their parents don't understand them, so they complain about it. Emo girls hate bras, so they make their "boy"friends wear them (okay, this one is pure conjecture. I just can't tell the difference between emo boys and emo girls).

Neither of the groups understand the purpose nor function of clothing. I'll give the hippies a little bit of credit for this one. Their only problem was that they preferred not to wear very much.


This mode of thinking carried its own benefits and risks. If it was an attractive hippie, than not too shabby. However if it was an unattractive hippie or a male hippie (99.8% of the hippie population), then we have issues.

The clothing-related problems of the emos is a slightly different beast. Emos also get some bonus points because they keep their pasty, androgynous bodies well covered most of the time. They do not, however, have any sense of what clothes are for. They know that clothes are made of material. They know that we are supposed to actually wear clothes. But they get confused on the finer points of the purpose of certain articles of clothing. Lets look for a moment at a glove. I wear gloves for several reasons. I wear a latex glove when I clean a bathroom to protect me from bacteria. I wear a glove when its cold outside to keep my hands warm. I wear a glove when I go to bed at night after I put lotion on to keep my hands nice and moisturized. These are practical uses.

The question I pose the emos is what the crap am I supposed to use this thing for.


It's fingerless, so it can't keep my hands warm. The high cut on the palm of the hand would mess up my grip on such things as my steering wheel, my PS3 controller, and push-pops. Completely worthless.

Hippies, unfortunately, caused a change because of their radical views. Luckily, everything they wanted came to pass, but America still bears the scars of their mercifully short-lived hippie revolution. One of the biggest hippie beliefs that led to this gross emo outbreak is to let your kids do anything they want without being held accountable for their actions. Think about it. Emo kids exist solely because parents, siblings, and friends suffer from the residual hippie belief that these kids are simply "finding their way" and should not be corrected. What a load of crap. Parents need to show some backbone and not be afraid to point out their kid is full of it. Which is more loving, correcting your children so they can lead successful, happy, lives or allowing them to be mocked and wallow in self-loathing just so they can "be themselves?" My mom wouldn't hesitate a second to call me on my bullcrap, and I am a better person because of it. My older brothers weren't afraid to beat me up to keep me from doing anything that would hurt me in the long run, and my friends enjoyed helping them. The crazy thing (to hippies) about it is that I am grateful for that. I made me stronger, it made me smarter.

So, Emos, this is an intervention! Take the initiative and break away from your sorry ways. It shouldn't be too hard. Nobody likes you. You don't even like yourself. Wear some colors. Take off the makeup. Get a haircut. And for goodness' sake, wear some gosh dang pants that actually fit you.

In closing, my friends, I give you this to ponder: